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| 08:50pm 05/02/2006 |
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mood:  enraged
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OH the FUCKING D E C I E T! |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| this sucks |
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| 11:03pm 14/10/2005 |
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i dont get how a joke can be taken so wrong.
im not trying to cause tension
im not trying to make anyone feel bad
i do get mad like veryone else, and i am entitiled to vent so im honestlysorry if i offended anyone or if i made anyone feel like i was trying to put words in thier mouth
ask ME next time, u know me better than to think id try to offend you in any way. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| i just got a really bad feeling |
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| 10:39pm 14/10/2005 |
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mood:  nervous
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i cant explain it but i feel like something bad is going to happen
i dont know when
i dont know what
but its there |
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Post |
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| got bored |
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| 05:08pm 12/10/2005 |
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mood:  bored music: "Shut Me Up" MSI
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x.Crush;; Adam
x.Boyfriend/Girlfriend?;; look up one
x.Are you in love?;; with twinkies
x.Ever kissed the opposite sex?;; yes
x.First Crush;; david burnham
005 YES OR NO..
x.Sex before Marriage;; always thought no but now its a yes, please
x.Gay Marriage;; yes
x.President Bush;; yes i like the mrs.
x.The Gothic Subculture;; yes
x.Preppy Style;; yes, in moderation
x.Gas Prices;; no
007 WAY BACK WHEN..
x.First Screenname;; peachchic
x.First Email;; peachchic@aool.com
x.First Xanga/Myspace/Website;; this one
x.First Favorite Band/Singer;; Leslie Gore
x.First Favorite Show;; Sesame Street
x.First Words;; probably "food?"
x.First Friends;; Joey
x.First Enemy;; i wasnt cool enough to hate anyone
x.What`s one thing you loved then but hate now?;; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
008 GETTING INTROUBLE..
x.Ever got in trouble with the cops?;; yes, idiot thought i had drugs.. psh "say ugh to drugs, man"
x.Ever been grounded for over a month?;; yah it SUCKED
x.Ever been kicked out of the house?;; no they will hold me hostage before kick me out
x.What`s the worst thing you ever did?;; stayed out 2 hours longer than i was suppost to and then got yelled at insanely and grounded forever
x.Ever stole something?;; no
x.Ever cut class?;; too much for my own good
??????Have you Ever??????
Done drugs? never will
Eaten an entire box of oreos? yes, bah
Been dumped? nope
Had someone be unfaithful to you? no thtat i know of
Watched punky Brewster? great show
Hiked a mountain? does the reservoir hill count?
Stayed home on Saturday night, just because? yes, im my own best friend
Been in love? i might have been but he killed that quicker than the pillsbury dough-boy at a weight watchers convention
Seen the White house? yes
Seen the Eiffel tower? noy yet
Tried smoking? wont
Drank alcohol? im italian sweetheart, if i hadnt tried alcohol i would have had to have been raised in a closet
Smoked marijuana? wont
Played monopoly? yes
Seen Titanic? yes and cried many a time with mel
Kissed someone? yes
French kissed someone? mm yes
Lost your virginity? yes, last monday actually
Tried a weight loss program? and failed
Jumped on a trampoline? yes
Visited another country? yes
Colored in a coloring book(and had fun)? YAH Trolls.. mine ALWAYS had 3 colored hair.. go figure
Had a bubble bath? last night bitches
Been on a plane? yes
Been on a boat? yes
Been on a train? yes
Been in a car accident? recently... totally not my fault
he stopped and my car didnt.. twice
Ridden an elephant? tbey smell
Made a web page? yes, about my cat
Played with Barbies? still got them!
Stayed up all night? too many times
Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? and in the closet
Broken a bone? no
Called a physchic or sex hotline? no
Watched Jerry Springer? yes! fuckin insane people
Gotten in trouble for talking in class? uh.. no.. psh whatchoo talkin' 'bout
Been afraid of the dark? still am :/
Been in the hospital(not visiting)? no
Had stitches? no
Dumped someone and regretted it? well only cause they threatened to kill themselves
Lied? sort of but then i fess up
Been arrested? no
Fallen asleep in class? yes, ONCE
Used food for something other than to eat? :) good times....
Meet a celebrity? no
Broken the law? yes but the law sucks
Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? yes :(
Hated yourself? yes
Been brokenhearted? yes
Broke someones heart? guys are way too overdramatic for me to accurately answer this
~~~~~~Do You~~~~~~
Like to give hugs? often
Like to walk in the rain? and dance
Sleep with or without clothes on? sleeping naked is the only way to go
Prefer black or blue pens? black
Dress up on Halloween? you know it
Have a job? 4
Like to travel? yes
Like someone?, Do they know? yes and i hope so
Sleep on your side, tummy or back? side or on my back
Think your attractive? no
Want to marry?, Who? no
Have a goldfish? they SUCK my brother tried to eat my last ones
Ever have the falling dream? yes
Have stuffed animals? WINKIE!
Go on vacation? often
o1. What are your initials? JMF
o2. Does your printer print fast & well? yes
o3. Do you have shoes on? no
o4. Are there any lights on in the room? yes
o5. How many days of school left do you have? uhm.. many?
o6. What are you going to do right when you get out of school? be a psychiatrist
o7. Are you going to be sad that you are leaving? no
o8. What was your last entry about? mel getting me sick
o9. In the last IM you sent, what did you say? this sounds so much worse than it is "go fuck your hand cause you wouldnt survive me"
1o. What is your favorite crayon? cerulean
11. Have you ever gone streaking in the winter? no
12. What time did you go to bed last night? 12:00 and 2:00
13. Are any of your great grandparents still alive? no
14. What era do you wish you lived in? my mom says i should have been born in the swing era
15. If you were stranded in the forest, what would you do? cry and then whip out my cell phone
16. What is your layout of? nothing?
17. Have you ever thought of where the world ends? yes and it sucks that i dont know
18. What exercise equipment do you own? free weights, punching bags, treadmill, and two other weight machines
19. Are you wearing a watch? no
2o. What brand is your shirt? Gildan, i totally went crosseyed checking it there
21. Are your toenails painted? not at the moment
22. Are you going to take a shower after this? i want to but im going out THEN showering
23. How many stories is your house? 4 including basement and attic
24. Have you ever shocked yourself? yes
25. Have you been hit by lightning? no
26. Have you ever been swimming while it was raining? yes
27. Do you usually tan or burn? burn then tan
28. Have you ever been in a tanning salon? my mom and mel went
29. What kind of surveys do you like to take? any
3o. Have you ever flashed a guy? and i liked it
31. Have you ever given out your # to some random person? yes and they were fucking hot and i blew them off after.. im a fuckin idiot
32. What do you think about online dating? not real
33. Are you scared of the dark? yes :(
34. Do you ever study? no, i might try picking it up
35. Do you say that you will never raise your kids like your parents raise you? i say that but i dont really want kids
36. How many kids do you want? as many as my husband wants to care for
where the hell is 37??
38. Do you think you're annoying? i am
39. When was the last time you were extremely sick? had a panic attack nervous break down thing last monday
4o. What is your favorite kind of underwear? see thru lace ones that show half your ass.. cant describe them.. theyre cute tho
41. Do you wish Xanga had forums? wtf?
42. Have you met anyone on Xanga? ?
43. Would you date someone more than 10 years older than you? no :( he was married
44. Where are you planning on living when you get older? not methuen
45. Have you ever been to the Naval Academy? no, but i LOVE a man (or woman) in uniform
46. Do you know your family history? some not all
47. Do you like to make lots of screennames & link them all together? i only have 2
48. What is the most overused smiley? winky face
49. What is the most overused word? fuck
5o. Do you like the movie "Napoleon Dynamite?" eh its okay but really pointless
51. Would you ever name your kid Napoleon? depends on how much i hate his father on that day
52. Do you own a beanbag chair? no ripped the beans out
53. What magazines do you get? none
54. Do you wear a lot of hemp? not anymore
55. Do you play handball? no hand eye cxoordination
56. Do you find yourself daydreaming a lot? yes
57. What is your home football team? thats the one with the y's right?? KIDDING i just dont like it
58. What is your home basketball team? dont like it-
59. When was your last shave? this morning
6o. What parts of your body do you shave? arms, underarms, legs, and another place a girl likes to get touched
61. Do you like open or enclosed areas? enclosed if its private,open if its quiet
62. Do you like being alone or around a lot of people? alone, or at a drinking party
63. Do you think what type of music a person listens to says a lot about them? yes
64. Will you have a job over the summer? yes
65. What was your last search online? msi songs
66. Do you own a poodle? no
67. Type whatever word comes to your mind. "nice answer lindsey"
68. Close your eyes & grab something. is this suppost to be perverse or was i reading into that too much?
69. Try to describe feet in as many words as you can. ew?
7o. Do you have a dirty mind? yes
71. Do you have a maid? cleaning lady
72. Do you make your bed every morning? no
73. What day of the week is your favorite? saturday
74. Would you be capable of making your own survey? no
75. How long have you been online? 30 minutes maybe
76. Does your best friend annoy you? both of them but i love them anyways
77. Is there someone you don't talk to but wait online for them all the time? no?
78. What is your definition of "love?" too long to explain. ask me in person
79. Do you find your life fascinating? well, unusual but not facinating
8o. Name one person. Chance Furnari
81. Why did they come to your mind? i love him
82. What kind of cake do you like? marble
83. Do you sing in the car? yes
84. Has anyone ever caught you picking you nose? no
85. What toppings do you put on your ice cream? everything, when i splurge i got CRAZY
86. What word is shorter when you add 2 letters to it? lol i get it , youre funny
87. How many situps can you do in a minute? one and then i pass out
88. Type whatever lyrics come to your head. "The bass, the rock, the mic, the treble,I like my coffee black
just like my metal..." MSI
89. Have you ever fallen down the stairs? often
9o. What 2 colors are best together? black and naked :) |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Thank You |
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| 02:07pm 08/10/2005 |
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mood: throat hurts bitches music: MSI---- (Dennis u was right, they is good)
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mel, youre in dc but right now i dont care.. u suck?! u got me sick and not just regular sick but SICK as in get my throat all cut up in surgery sick! u KILLED my voice! rar! okay im not really that mad but i am kinda pissed cause ive never had this and u just did so it came from you. i heart you anyways tho...
u suck
but yeah if i go in for surgery too well be miserable together
woot
ow
:( |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Oh Update |
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| 11:44pm 04/10/2005 |
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mood:  chipper
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heard a rumor that you wanted him?
oh
:)
He fucked me |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| News people |
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| 11:30pm 04/10/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: nothingface
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WELL apparently people i work with are fake AND stupid.
They dislike me because i have 2 jobs becasue one pays shit and i have priorities... silly me
THEN they dont have the decency to tell me anything to my face but feel perfectly comfortable talking shit about me to my best friend...silly you
its actually kind of pitiful tho, do they actualy think he likes them better than me?
aww thats sweet, you do think that dont you?? poor dilusional child
Anyways i am my managers favorite, by far, so im pretty damn confident im not going to get fired.
(oh poor you)
SO
heres what you need to do:
Step 1: stop being a bitch and own up to what you say.
Step 2: cry to yourself cause noone else wants to hear you... "self-pity aint pretty!"
Step 3: take a nice hot bath tonight
Step 4: then slit your wrists and bleed out all alone cause noone wants you
Who loves ya babe?
oh what? just you?
thats kinda sad... |
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Post |
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| so flippin tired |
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| 03:50pm 26/09/2005 |
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mood:  lethargic
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well i got home a few hours ago and just brought chance to the vet :( i am so tired i cant stand up for too long. all i have been doing lately is sleepingcause of this weekend. for those of you who dont already know, iw as in a study where they pay me to take blood. well i already have really low blood pressure so when they took all that blood i couldnt function right cause it took my depleted blood stuply longer to get to my body parts.. yeah i hope that made some sense. i called my mother crying like 6 times this weekend cause i was soo delirious. i thank god that i have mel cause without her i wouldve gone insane. she stuck by me when noone else did. even tho shes mildly psychotic i love her :) from when She came waltzing out of the bathroom in a shower cap and a towel stuffed bra to when she tried to cure my hiccups by jumping on my iv'd up arm. ouch, yes, but funny as all hell. i want to go to richies birthday party but i have to go back and have them drain my veins again that weekend :( i miss my richie, my girlfriend :) lol i heart you!! i will come to see you soon cause i miss you so bad it hurts. well im going to go now i cant really type to well anymore. talk to me soon everyone cause i feel kind of disconnected from everyone i used to know
:*)Jess |
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| 09:03pm 20/09/2005 |
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mood: nervous
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im so stressed lately that i make myself sick
with work,
(at LEAST 2 different jobs a week - Hot Topic, Lobster Den, or AEA/ORA))
college,
(every weekday)
a medical study,
(where i have to get blood drawn which makes me sick to start with)
a car accident,
(where the guy is lying to the insurance people to get more money)
and people that i dont know if i can trust
(why do i doubt them?)
i just want to scream.
i want to stay mad but i cant, i always do the stupid girly thing and cry.
i cant back out of work and i cant back out of school & i am commited to this study now and this accident is getting so consuming that i wish i died in it and i cant even tell these people that im supposedly close to that theyre hurting me, at least i feel that they are, becasue i dont know if they really dont care about me or if i'm being paranoid.
im not being paranoid.
im being lied to.
i can feel it, and it feels a whole hell of a lot like a knife to the heart.
i want it to be the way it was.
me all by myself, all alone
because
i
cried
less |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| grrr |
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| 03:24pm 15/09/2005 |
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mood: bored music: "freedom" George Micheals
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i'm so bored i could throw up
entertain me?!
thats right, little monkey, DANCE!?!?!?!
or, you know.. don't. |
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Post |
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| im so done |
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| 11:21pm 12/09/2005 |
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i dont know whats going on. everything seemed so perfect yesterday. |
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Post |
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| ... |
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| 04:11pm 08/09/2005 |
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mood:  pessimistic music: Otep
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I never know who to believe. People say one thing and act something opposite.
Do i believe everything or nothing?
i can't be more specific but basically, if you (anyone) HAVE lied to me or are planning on decieving me in any way. now is the time to tell me... Because i'm really not in the mood to hunt you down and nail your kneecaps to the floor when i find out about it on my own.
cheers everyone and remember, honesty will hurt a whole lot less than what i'll do to you if you hurt me.
love, Jess |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Bored and i got it from mella |
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| 06:39pm 05/09/2005 |
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mood:  full music: Gorillaz
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THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Jess
02. Jessa
03. Jessie
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. AmoreMorte717
02. AintLifePeachy
03. Peachchic
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. stupid humor
02. im too clueless to be mean usually
03. i forget when i get mad
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. my face
02. my body
03. my personality
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. Italian
02. Sicilian
03. American
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. people i love dying
02. spiders/ bugs
03. the dark
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. warpaint (makeup)
02. clothes
03. cell phone
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. cradle of filth t- shirt
02. new jeans
03. red and black striped undies woo mel's got the same ones!
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS or artists AT THE MOMENT:
01. Cradle of Filth
02. Snake River Conspiracy
03. NIN
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
01. "Hurt" NIN
02. "Born in a Burial Gown" Cradle of Filth
03. " casualty" snake river conspiracy
THREE REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
01. stalkers
02. too violent
03. obsessive
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01. TRUST
02. someone who knows what they want out of life(or at least a vague idea)
03. laughter
THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. walk and chew gum at the same time
02. pronounce cinnamon right the first time i say it ( dunno why)
03. stay mad at people
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. falling
02. reading
03. playing with my cat chance
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. not be sick
02. not be nervous
03. not cry
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. im going
02. to be a
03. psychiatrist
THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. italy
02. ireland
03. back to the bahamas 9 bahama mamas make you feel light, warm and fuzzy
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. stop being afriad of the dark
02. stop being paranoid
03. love and be loved by someone who isnt in my family.. like get married or something like that |
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Post |
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| tired |
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| 12:52am 03/09/2005 |
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mood:  confused
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im so confused right now im awake but sleep deprived hungry but ready to throw up, smiling but crying and happy yet sad all at the same time. god i need psychological help. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Fuck the Lobster Den up the bum |
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| 04:10pm 02/09/2005 |
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mood: aggravated
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i was SUPPOST to work 9 am to 8 pm today but as you can see by the time posted im not there...
WELL - i finally got to bed around 7 am and woke up at 8 50 am.. 10 minutes till work and it takes me AT LEAST 1/2 hour to look decent, like not frighten children decent... okay? so im there and i have to wait for like 20 minutes before the other girl who was opening gets there.
so she shows up but shes got the girl whose shift i was covering in the car with her and im like whoa lady wtf happened??? i was like "yeah i feel like shit" they were like " yeah you look like shit" good good...
she decided to come into work after she got it off specifically and i woke my half- dead self up at the ass- crack of dawn to be there so after a long debate she was like just go home ill call someone in if we need them. im like "are you sure?" shes like " yeah im sure" i asked her like 50 times all to the same response. right? right
i wanted to call the owner and check with him but he didnt feel the need to pick up so i was like "ill wait" and shes like " just go, itll be fine ill tell him".. so i go home and tell my parents what happened and theyre like " ? huh?" im like " yeah"...
so i get a call at like 250 and mels like " where are you?" then i explained the whole thing to her and now shes acting all mad but is saying that shes not . shes just really mad that she has to deal with something that didnt involve her, and i can understand that but hey its not my fault that the girl was a *beep* shes ordinarily nice but today i guess was an off day for her or whatever. Im just mad that peopl are going to think it was my fault that people are retarded. whatever im going to adam's house and i have a suprise for him but i cant say it now in case he reads it before i get there and the suprise is ruined :) well adios all thank you for listening to me bitch :) LOVE
x Jess x |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| got this from lind's latest journal entry.... |
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| 11:46pm 01/09/2005 |
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mood: chipper music: Queen- "Fat Bottomed Girls"
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1. What is your name? Jess
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? black little boy shorts with pink lace down the sides
3. What are you listening to right now? Queen
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 61
5. Whatt was the last thing you ate? sweet and sour sauce... dont ask
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? dark purple
7. How is the weather right now? its nighttime, wont go outside to check
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? adam
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? HANDS
10. Favorite Food? mm pasta
11. Favorite Drink? hm... green tea iced tea
12. Favorite Alcoholic drink? Jägermeister -double shot and im feelin pretty darn good
13. Favorite place to shop? hot topic - shop where you work. 40% discount cant beat it
14. Hair Color? black/ brown blonde
15. Eye Color? green gray or blue.. they change
16. Do you wear contacts? and glasses sometimes
17. Top or bottom? top or bottom what?
18. Favorite Month? october
19. Favorite Fast Food place? mcdonalds
20. Last Movie you Watched? a clockwork orange
21. Favorite Day of the Year? new years
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? nope i lack the ability to be shy :)
23. Summer or Winter? summer
24. Hugs or Kisses? kisses and hugs- why settle for less?
25. Chocolate or vanilla? swirl
26. Do you want your friends to respond back?mmhm
27. Who is most likely to respond? noone reads this
28: Who is least likely to respond? everyone
29. What type of music do you preffer? metal, oldies, anything thats not rap or country or screamo
30. What books are you reading? wire in the blood, an astrology bood, and the serial killer encyclopedia
31. What's on your mouse pad? no mosepad
32. Favorite Board Game? sorry?!
33. What did you do last night? went to ian's house then to adam's house then to ian's house again and then slept over mel's house
34. Whats the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? pet chancey
35. Who inspires you? chance ( my cat)
36. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn? kettlecorn mmm yes
37. Are you single? yes. well dating
38. Favorite Flower? roses or lillies
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M? "wheres the food?"
40. Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school? were still best friends :)
41. What's on your desk? a buttload of pictures and cds and papers and tape and green tea and a globe and books.... a lot of stuff
42. Rock Concert or Symphony? i dunno i have a weakness for symphonies ... :/
43. Play or Opera? i am in love with the theatre spo deffinately plays
44. Have you ever fired a gun? no, i prefer knives
45. Do you like to travel by plane? no, i am invariably made the pillow for whoevers sitting next to me and they wont give me my damn tequila!
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? right
47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? smooth
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 10
49. State you were born in? MA
50. Ever hitch hiked? nope dont feel like dying like that |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Just got home |
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| 02:08am 01/09/2005 |
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mood: but tired :) music: Melissa's snoring :)
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i wanted to let you all know that ADAM IS ROAR!! we hung out today and it was fun, i got to see his apartment which needs me to decorate it but other thatn that its darn cool. AND then he like sucks wicked bad at wrestling cause he cheats .. somehow... cause i dont lose.. i DONT lose like that .. EVER.. okay i do but i do it gracefully and YES i did get a rug burned elbow but it is a battle wound and i love it. uhm.. we went to some park that i didnt now existed which was fun :) i almost succeeded in throwing him down the amazingly steep hill .... almost.... but not even close. ** that was a hoot *** and then we ate some grass and flowers- mmm mm good. and then we walked thru the cemetary( and just so u know i am afraid of dead people and the dark so it was only becasue big brave adam that i survived our little excursion.) ANYWAYS, we learned a few things about each other and it made me want to hug him because he was comfortable with me and told me personal stuff :) and then we went back to his apartment and when we got there.. oh no i had a flat tire.. yikes!!! BUT he fixed it in a jiffy and he looked cute doing it.
SERIOUSLY I OWE HIM A MOUNTAIN OF KUDOS POINTS FOR BEING NICE ENOUGH TO FIX IT FOR ME!!!!!!!!
but yeah he was great, he was like my hero *sigh* lol I'm really a huge loser this late at night usually im a more reserved loser :) but yeah.. then we were upstairs and we were sitting on his couch together and he was the nicest most wonderfulest guy ever. if you ever get a chance to actually meet someone like adam dont pass it up because he is one of the most genuinely amazing people in the world, the kind of person who makes you feel so special and so important that no problem could bring you down.. i am really bad at typing out all im singing so ill put it into song lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala- laaaaaaa.
like it? adam taught me it.
but im really making an idiot out of myself so ill end it here i just wanted you all to know i have a new great friend and so happy i did :) G'NIGHT POOKIE!!!!!
x Jess x |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Nihilism |
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| 08:32pm 24/05/2005 |
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mood: melancholy
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Have you ever felt like you were so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that even if you went out by way of genocide, that it simply would not matter?
Welcome to my life... guided tours at 1:30 and 5:00
I am completely alone, and we all know that teenagers exaggerate.. A LOT but this venting is exactly what I need. SO here it goes, the whole sob story for those of you who don't have the Lifetime channel or have already seen the movie that's on tonight...
I used to be happy, REALLY happy. Like Tara Reid on coke happy, and then I came to know this lovely establishment of emotional distortion - Methuen High School. Those walls contain people whose sense of self has been mutilated beyond recognition and transforms the kids within them- who, not a decade before, had been spitting up pureed green beans and were blissfully unaware of the horrors of human society- into poster children for abortion clinics. Every other student at MHS is a liar, whore, drug addict, suicide risk, homicidal maniac, misogynist or sadist ready to coerce thier way into your affections and then leave you bleeding and broken on the bathroom floor after cutting your still beating heart out and forcing you to eat it while you slowly die from blood loss and shock, all while smiling at you.
I never asked to be what I am, I became this way because of the people that I foolishly chose to trust and confide in. I sank into the depths of self- deprecation not simply because I met those people, but because I STAYED with those people. I used to have so many people that I could just open up to and talk to and laugh with etc.. that whole friend thing- ain't it grand? Yet, when I examined the interplay between myself and those people I realized one thing that was consistant - They do not care. I could slit my wrists in the shower and it would be all so easy for them to put on the sad face, squeeze out a few tears and then reap the sympathy from other delusional, needy, egocentric people. I don't want to be that way, I want to CARE about people and really mean it when I say "I love you" and "I'll always be there." Don't get me started on love! Love is a lie invented by the Hallmark company to sell thier cheesy "To you, Lover..." cards. Love is a deception to justify fucking someone you barely know and don't care about, come on ladies and gentlemen, can you honestly say that you love the person you're with now? Would you still love that same person if they wouldn't "put out" anytime your cold pathetic little heart desired it? Would you? Would you be there for that person if they were hurt and never going to recover and needed a comforting hug or a soothing voice to talk to them? I don't think that you would. I don't think anyone would these days. If you aren't in that situation, I apologize for assuming something that I shouldn't have, but can you see where I'm coming from? People USE each other. They Murder, Rape, Steal, Lie, and Hurt each other for no other reason than self gratification. I don't want to be part of that. Not for anything. But like everyone I have one major flaw above all of my others... I am human. I have the capacity to murder, rape, steal, lie and hurt. This is why I hate me before i hate anyone else. I have not yet murdered, raped or stolen from anyone but I have lied in the past and I regret it more than anything I have done and I have hurt people i car about and people I despise, mostly unintentionally and on a few times purposely because I was hurting. And in the end, you always know that it simply DOES NOT MATTER. It doesn't matter if you helped an old lady cross the street- 400,000 old ladies die that same way at that same time somewhere else, and you never know if the little old lady you helped had 45 dead prostitutes hidden beneath the floorboards under her sewing machine. You could smile at a stranger and wish them a nice day while behind their replying smile they are imagining 15 different ways they can sodomize and murder you without getting blood on thier new Converse sneakers. You could just have easily thrown a child into traffic or shot a priest. It does not matter because noone is exempt from sin or eventual death, the world is not going to become better simply because you graced it's surface with your presence for a few decades. People are a trend on the planet, it was there before we were and it will be there after we are gone, we are too weak to matter.
Remember:
The frailty of the human species is not in our easily pierced flesh or breakable bones but in our inherently damaged minds.
I feel calmer now because I have vented my anger and outrage and I hope that someday this whole thing will be proven wrong but as of right now I hold to my beliefs. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| Just got in... |
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| 08:24pm 22/12/2004 |
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mood:  Nauseated -pretty, huh? music: "Autopsy Song" -Otep
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I just got home from my lovely Christmas concert, I was a Diva of course, and boy oh boy am I sleepy! I WAS hungry then I went to rotten.com and now i know how I can successfully become bulimic. DO NOT GO THERE it will scar you for life, but if you happen to go, check out the cab driver picture... wow double barrel shotguns are more fun than I thought they could be. Not that i would ever use one, being the angel that i am... But yeah I started my college applications today and they're due toorrow, didn't finish them- I SUCK. My essay starts out with "My dream has always been to be a princess but at the ripe old age of eight I realized that this may not be the most realistic goal..." I'm not kidding. I got NOTHIN' I figure if i send really really nice gift baskets to the admissions people then i will get it for sure... well maybe not. Uhm.. yeah thats it, bye
x Jess x |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Hello everyone |
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| 08:21pm 18/12/2004 |
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mood: indescribable music: "Closer " NIN
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WOW
you'rea really bored enough to read this?
alright, ill try to make it EXCITING and "snazzy"
Well, people don't like me I guess. Don't particularly CARE per-say (<- odd saying) but it's really fun to hear about.
random reasons too... let's not even go into that tho
.:.exciting car chase.:.
i'm back with nick and i like him but i also like someone else
I told him i liked someone else too becasue he likes someone else too
he likes some girl richie and jeff nicknamed "man"
not too nice of them but I was like wow, what do i have in common with this girl? shes nice, i guess, but she gives off weird vibes (YES i said Vibes, and what are you gonna do?)shes not all that manly in my opinion tho, thats not nice!!!!
.:.Matrix-esque fight scene.:.
People sometimes show you the real them when they think they're being the best actors. For some reason or another, people don't think that thier being obvious. I recently was man-handled (figuratively) and manuevered for someones sick twisted enjoyment. It happened to be someone i trusted so it screwed me up worse than i already was. so i'm sorry everyone, for my behavior lately I'll snap out of it very quickly, i have the memory of a dope fiend so i wont remember this little sadness in like a week.
It takes a long time to earn trust in some people, for many it takes forever.
I'm out........... x Jess x |
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aintlifepeachy's journal